She Leans In...
It's past midnight on the coast, and in a relatively balmy 54 degree night, the rain is falling. I have my windows open to clear out the energy of the day, and across the dark distance I hear the sound of the ships under the bridge along the canals, one long and one short. It's an eerie thing coming in the middle of the night, rising up like owls in a otherwise calm and restful forest canopy, or of the recordings of moth men, sasquatch or jersey devils.
It reminds me at the same time of trains in the midwest and of the Seine on a foggy Paris winter evening. I remember walking through some of the oldest sectors that night, drunk out of my head, courting vampires and ancient kings. What a hopeful, hopeless idiot I was, cleaning up my own vomit in some dank hotel room at 4 in the morning. I leave the window open for a few more minutes until the cats are out of their minds, and then shut it away again.
I'm a bit stir crazy today, a bit house worn, a bit burning for the lack of touch. My skin feels itchy and my legs tingle and will not be still. I long with lips and fingertips. And that cold night air and the sound of the deep voiced moan calms me somewhat and tells me to sleep.
Today, I've looked up to find myself surrounded by amazing, love-filled women who are giving of themselves to almost cocoon me in care. They are incredible people. I'm more sensitive to love now than I ever was before, and I'm more able to express it on more levels than I ever knew I had. The last year was the worst year of my life, and it's made me tender, reserved, quiet, and very thin-skinned. So, I'm more thankful for any show of affection and concern, for any interest in my well-being or my story or my person than I've ever been before. I've had offers of new friendship, offers that have existed sometimes for years that I just haven't accepted. I've had occasions to deepen my connections and my love for those who already were my deep and loved friends. The more I reach out and extend my own love, the more I thankfully accept offers to spend time together or connect, the more it comes back to me in resounding multitudes. And I know that's what I want and what I need, to delve deep into their presence, to lay in healing amongst lands of women. The energy washes over me, makes me feel softer, sleepier, loved in a way that stems the tide of doubt and mends holes. I never thought it was possible to love women more than I did. So thank you all for bursting forward and literally showering me with an amazing outpouring of compassion.
Mary, Anastasia, Aarti, Kristina, Amber, Calin, Amanda, Melinda, Molly, Aisling.. I am speechless. Thank you.
