P to the J

Resist it! Resist the facial spa that clears pores and rejuvenates skin. Resist the electric mop that steam cleans tile without the mess of mop and bucket. Oh my dear Amazon, you are evil.

I had some amazing revelations this weekend, and although what I accompllished, all said, was pretty minimal, the changes that these revelations promise are pretty amazing. The first was re-reading some of Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart" (I intend to read all of her books now) and finding out that she meditates with her eyes open. Now, my experiences and teachings about meditation have never included that as a possibility, and I guess I've never run across that idea before. And that fact will probably make most of my friend just shake their heads. At any rate, I tried it, eyes open, and it was incredible. Meditation problem solved.

Secondly, I got to thinking this weekend about personality types. I'm a big proponent of Myers-Briggs, as I've written about on this site many times, an avid follower and applier of the grids. I know that every test I take defines me as an INFP. And yet, when given the chore of 'just create without any boundaries' or 'invent this theory and talk about it', I get majorly stressed out and closed up. I started to think about what I love about my job, mainly a limitless amount of possible creation within a limited scope, in other words finding creative solutions to a specified objective. Some of my favorite shows right now are Junkyard Wars and Rough Science, where teams have to do exactly that. And my favorite creative ventures are those where I know my objective and have to find ways of being creative to achieve it (All Walkabouts start with a concept, a theme and a series of images that have to be tied together to express something specific). What I used to love about being a part of a Metaphysical center was applying creative means to achieving teaching specific concepts or providing for specific experiences, let alone caretaking for people (providing a support service by intuiting on a psychic/human level what people might require to be more at ease, more open, etc). What I love about playing with people is having a set idea and improvising or expanding upon it within the rules of that idea.

So, when I think about all these things, and specifically what I do on a more healing path, I find that they point to creative, non-traditional problem solver and counseller, firmly in the realm of INFJ. So, confused and interested, I started taking tests this weekend and comparing results. Every test I took put me as an INFP, but I started to examine the strength of those parameters more closely. What I found was a very, very strong percentage in I, N and F. But, my P percentage was small. In fact, if I were to answer, in some cases, one or two questions differently on the tests, I'd come out as an INFJ.

This to me utterly changes everything. As somebody on the cusp of P and J, this tells me that I get my most energy and fulfillment when I have a goal to reach, a skeleton structure or a set of rules and then can go wild within that framework to do what I want. If I don't have that goal or that framework and are supposed to just fly without an ending, it stresses me and I end up with so many options in front of me that I do nothing. If there is too much structure and not enough room to create and be creative (and break rules) within it, I close down and lose interest. I enjoy web development (and design) because it is just this. I don't enjoy theorizing or talking about theory because it is too open-ended.

This changes how I look at writing. Freewriting, when one sits down and just writes what is in one's head without trying to accomplish anything completely unnerves me. I couldn't understand why it did before, because as an INFP, that should be heaven. Based on what I know about myself, I have been pushing myself to do this every day and finding that I actively detest it and avoid it. However, if I think of myself as an INFJ, something like that would be pointless and very hard to do. With no objective at all, no goal, even a goal that can slip and change, there is just a huge amount of empty space and ocean and wandering. What I need to do instead is have a goal, write this short story or even work on this scene of a novel, and find creative ways of accomplishing it. If I can't think of an objective or a skeleton structure or goal, it is far better to think about that than it is to go off without one.

In terms of spiritualtiy and magick (in a more wiccan/pagan sense), it means I should create projects for myself and apply myself to them with enough structure that it supports me, but not so much that it squelches me. And this creation of projects can extend to web design, music, non-fiction writing, reading, anything. I can even apply it to my choice of a new career and/or new job in the future. Knowing that I'm an INFP/J could potentially be the smoking gun answer I've been looking for as to why things just don't work for me in my pursutis the way I'd like. And it eases my own expectations of creation and outcomes and progress. As an INFP, I really could care less about progress. But as an INFJ, I need to know that I'm working towards something.

It's a very interesting mix, and it is involved with pleasing two very different needs inside myself at the same time. Huzzah!